the loss of myself

Hi.  I've been writing a short story that deals with the loss of a girl's parents 20 years ago at the age of seven.  the protaganist is now age 27, and while she seems to be managing with life pretty much okay, there are underlying issues of loneliness, trust, and accepting herself for who she is.  I have lost love one's in my life, but they have not impacted me the same way as the character in the story.  So I have been doing some research, reading up on people who have had to deal with severe grief and loss and its ramifications on their daily lives, even 60 years later.  It's really heartbreaking to read these stories, and I can only imagine how I would feel if that were me.  But it's also inspirational as some of them have learned to overcome their sorrow through counseling, therapy, self-preservation and determination.

So I got to thinking about my own life.  Like I said, I have never experienced loss at that magnitude, but I have dealt with depression and loneliness a good part of my life.  I was always a shy person.  It was to the extent that I hated being in social situations and made every attempt to avoid it if I could.  I could never comprehend why I was like that since everyone in my family was outgoing. Unfortunately this led to depression and anxiety, and eventually culminated into suicidal thoughts.  I made a singular and failed attempt at suicide in my early college years. Thankfully, I finally got help for my problems, which I found out was termed Social Anxiety Disorder.

I had gone through a loss of myself, you could say.  I mourned the person I wasn't and though I could never be and my reaction to it was anger, sadness, self-loathing and fear.  I chose to be isolated, playing board games as kid by myself instead of asking my sisters if they wanted to play.  I was apprehensive that they would say no, so why even bother asking them?

Since getting help several years ago, I have grown up a lot.  While I am still shy, it is not as crippling as it once was.  I have made it a vow to myself that for 2016 I will endeavor to venture out of myself more, hoping that I can recover a part of me that I never knew existed.

Anyone out there who has ever felt that life is bleak and hopeless, please reach out to someone.  Be it a friend or a medical professional.  Life will always have its ups and downs, but it doesn't have to be like that 24/7.  Don't make a mistake that's irreversible.  I know how many people would have been hurt, angry and sad if I had been successful in killing myself.

I may not be the best at talking to people, but I'm a good listener.  Feel free to leave me comment if you feel like it.

I tend to let life pass me by.  I don't take the time to smell the roses, as they say.  Life is short, so if I don't slow down for it, what's the point?  I'm not alive just so I can miss out on everything.  There is no fun in that.  So for 2016 I will strive to live more in the moment.  That extends to enjoying the moment, letting go of anxiety, and taking my time.  So let's relax and enjoy the ride everyone!

FYI, I bought the tickets to see A&B.  Now that ride I will surely enjoy!  

No regrets

I’ve been listening to A&B’s a Thing Called Love on repeat—when I get in a mood and a song is damn good, I play the crap out of it. Obviously it’s about love, but more specifically about the regrets we have had about not grabbing love by the wings and giving it everything you got. Now, mind you, I may not have ever been in love, but I do have regrets. Regrets that have caused immense heartache. Knowing that I can never have another chance at changing those particular moments in my life. It leaves me feeling like there is a void in my heart that I desperately want to fill. It is a part of me that wants to feel elation for something that can never come back and I don’t know if those feeling of inadequacy will ever go away.

So for 2016 I will endeavor to have a no holds barred attitude. I don’t want guilt to riddle me for the rest of my life. I want to be able to say that I did it without having to look back. So A&B concert here I come. I am not going to miss out!!

As I stand writing my short story On A Good Day on my laptop, listening to Above and Beyond’s (A&B) song Alone Tonight, smiling about their upcoming concert (and hoping that I make that concert happen for me), and smiling at where Ka and Eton’s relationship is going in the story, I decided to make blog my first journal entry for the new year. I am sanguine about what this new year of 2016 will hold for me. Last year I could already tell that things had been changing for me. They were subtle, but noticeable changes that happened towards the end of August. Now I am ready to make positive and proactive things happen for me for 2016. I have to take control of my life instead of moping and complaining how static things have always been for me. If I am to make change, I have to willingly participate in life. I have to cease those thoughts that people—strangers including people that I know—are judging me. Because when I think about it, it is really just me judging myself. And as everyone knows, we are our own worst critics. In order to look favorably at myself, I must recognize all the good qualities about myself. I enjoy writing fiction (I picked it up again in the past 3 months) and it has proven to be a great outlet for my creativity, in addition to showing me a lot of insight to who I am as person. I never thought that writing about somewhat fictional characters would allow me to learns some things about myself. I was surprised, to say the least, that this new knowledge about myself brought an actual smile to my face. I am a good person and need to not be so harsh on myself when it comes to my negative actions. I just need to live in the moment and thank that I am fucking alive and have a great family support system. Being negative is not productive and just gets me nowhere. It just keeps me where I was pre-August 2015. I have been socially challenged all my life. My Social Anxiety Disorder has been a pain in my ass forever. I have seen a therapist and a psychiatrist and have been on drugs for it. While I have seen some of its benefits, I have yet to allow myself to fully embrace all that I have learned. It’s hard when I wrestle with this constant companion of mine since I was very little. Saying goodbye to something that I have known most of my life is very hard. I can’t just forget how it had comforted me in times where I was just too afraid to put myself out there. Literally the thought brings me to tears. That is where music comes in. Music has honestly saved my life, particularly Trance music. While I have always loved Trance music, I pay more attention to the lyrics now. A&B have a song called on A Good Day that holds immense meaning to me. The lyrics opens my eyes to the possibility that my life can be great and is great. I just have to allow myself to know myself a little better. I fucking love this song. Everyone should listen to it or at least read its words. I am getting a little bit weepy as I write this. My intentions for this new year to make new connections with people. While not trying to immediately overload them with my issues, I will let them know that I am new at this and will inform them that a little compassion towards it will go a long way. From good friendships comes great rewards. Well, that is all for now. I am not one for keeping up on my blog writing, I will endeavor to write more for 2016 will also be a year of sticking to committments. A thanks to all that get a chance to read this. Have a great new year! Now back to writing my story and listening to A&B.