the loss of myself

Hi.  I've been writing a short story that deals with the loss of a girl's parents 20 years ago at the age of seven.  the protaganist is now age 27, and while she seems to be managing with life pretty much okay, there are underlying issues of loneliness, trust, and accepting herself for who she is.  I have lost love one's in my life, but they have not impacted me the same way as the character in the story.  So I have been doing some research, reading up on people who have had to deal with severe grief and loss and its ramifications on their daily lives, even 60 years later.  It's really heartbreaking to read these stories, and I can only imagine how I would feel if that were me.  But it's also inspirational as some of them have learned to overcome their sorrow through counseling, therapy, self-preservation and determination.

So I got to thinking about my own life.  Like I said, I have never experienced loss at that magnitude, but I have dealt with depression and loneliness a good part of my life.  I was always a shy person.  It was to the extent that I hated being in social situations and made every attempt to avoid it if I could.  I could never comprehend why I was like that since everyone in my family was outgoing. Unfortunately this led to depression and anxiety, and eventually culminated into suicidal thoughts.  I made a singular and failed attempt at suicide in my early college years. Thankfully, I finally got help for my problems, which I found out was termed Social Anxiety Disorder.

I had gone through a loss of myself, you could say.  I mourned the person I wasn't and though I could never be and my reaction to it was anger, sadness, self-loathing and fear.  I chose to be isolated, playing board games as kid by myself instead of asking my sisters if they wanted to play.  I was apprehensive that they would say no, so why even bother asking them?

Since getting help several years ago, I have grown up a lot.  While I am still shy, it is not as crippling as it once was.  I have made it a vow to myself that for 2016 I will endeavor to venture out of myself more, hoping that I can recover a part of me that I never knew existed.

Anyone out there who has ever felt that life is bleak and hopeless, please reach out to someone.  Be it a friend or a medical professional.  Life will always have its ups and downs, but it doesn't have to be like that 24/7.  Don't make a mistake that's irreversible.  I know how many people would have been hurt, angry and sad if I had been successful in killing myself.

I may not be the best at talking to people, but I'm a good listener.  Feel free to leave me comment if you feel like it.